


Grayscale

by HailQueenLottie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Depression, It will eventually get to Ereri, M/M, Minor Jean Kirstein/Eren Yeager, Panic Attacks, Sexual Tension, Smut, Triggers, Violence, eren's pov, more tags to be added later, potential attempted suicide, potential self harm, tons of drugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-02-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 04:27:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3367847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HailQueenLottie/pseuds/HailQueenLottie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren and Mikasa grew up in a broken home in the wrong part of Trost. While Mikasa can push off the negative sides of life, they start to consume Eren and threaten his existence. Levi is a college drop out who has no real home. They've both hit rock bottom and feel as though it's the end. However, with the help of each other, they may be able to stand once again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyee look who jumped on the bandwagon and wrote an AOT fic. Ereri is my otp and I need to put them in angsty situations. This fic will be written entirely in Eren's point of view. I feel like it seems more real that way. Warning, there will be triggers in this so if you want to stay away from that, please don't read. Anyways, enjoy!  
> Also, this chapter is super super short but that's just because it's more of an introduction. The chapters after are much longer.  
> The title of this fic comes from the song Grayscale by Basement

There was something wrong with Eren- he knew, it, his sister knew it, hell, even the teachers at Trost High knew it. Undoubtedly there had always been a piece missing from him, even at a young age. It just started to show more often than not as he grew and his situation changed. 

Every child goes through the difficulties of growing up- it’s just how life works. It’s also known that some children have it better than others. Some grow up in nice houses with caring parents tending to each and every one of their needs. Some grow up in normal houses with hard working parents and minor responsibilities. 

Unfortunately there are children out there who grow up with less than these things; children who grow up in shabby houses, or even no houses, with parents that don’t care or aren’t around. 

Trost wasn’t a fantastic town but it could be decent if you could afford to live in the nicer parts. The back roads would most likely take you towards run down apartments and poverty while paved ones took you towards shining glass windows and boutiques and flower-lined sidewalks. It was like something from the Wizard of Oz-stay on the yellow brick road and you’ll be fine. 

With no mother to offer kind words and a father who was off having his way with a woman who was young enough to be his daughter, Eren hadn’t exactly lived a glorious life. In fact, the only people he could turn to if he wanted company were either his adopted sister Mikasa or his long-term childhood friend Armin. 

Other than that his choices were slim to none. 

Dealing with a lifetime of neglect on top of other things was enough to cause psychological problems from an early age. Eren’s mother had died long before he could remember and his father refused to talk about it and each time the subject was brought up.

Thinking back, Eren hardly even really remembered much of his father. From the time he was small until he was able to get a job, his father had always been away on ‘business trips’ for long periods of time, only coming back when bills needed to be paid or food restocked. There were handfuls of part-time babysitters but nothing that could fit a parent-figure.

When Eren turned sixteen he halfheartedly applied for his first job at a local convenience store. Once both he and Mikasa were working, his father stopped checking in all together. 

There was no note, no call, no messages, nothing. He had just up and vanished without a word. The only reason they knew he was still alive was the fact that he paid the rent each month. 

Public school had proved to be the ultimate challenge because of his lack of trust in other people. He isolated himself from his classmates right from the start. They started teasing him and soon it wouldn’t come as a surprise for him to be involved in fights. 

Over time it became easier to just accept the harsh threats and defend himself when needed. Days cycled together, each starting with waking up to a nearly freezing shower and stinging limbs, just enough food to get him through the day, enduring the shit that was enforced upon him at school, coming home and then sleeping until the next morning.

Mikasa had basically given up trying to help him. She’d say things like ‘you need to get out of the house and clear your mind a little’ or ‘maybe if you meet some new people you’ll feel better.’ She was coping with the situation much better than he was. While she went out and socialized, trying to distract herself with the brighter side of life, he isolated himself in his room for days on end, only knowing the sound of the TV and his breathing. 

When he did go out, it wasn’t to do anything productive or legal-it seemed like he was always getting into trouble one way or another. He was digging his grave, each and every day that he continued his habits. 

Eren Jaeger wasn’t depressed. 

He was tired.

Tired of everything. 

And it started to consume what was left of his life.


	2. Chapter 2

Loud pattering sounds assaulted the ceiling and echoed through the mostly empty halls. Having the top floor of a two floor apartment was nice- it granted access to the roof and if a crazed psychopath were to ever break in, they’d most likely go for the people on the first level. 

It worked well if you enjoyed the sound of heavy rain because it fell directly above your head and streamed thickly down the windows. Today was one of those days where the sound of rain was nice in the early hours of the morning and it lulled Eren into the sleep he had been lacking. 

His internal alarm clock said that it was time to get up and prepare for a dreadfully long day of hell but his mind said to push time to the brink until he either force himself up or stay home and sleep the day away. 

Having gotten approximately two hours of sleep, it was decided that he’d have the day to himself until work beckoned him at five that afternoon. 

About fifteen minutes ticked by before the floorboards creaked outside the door and a streak of light pierced through the darkness that engulfed his room. Having been facing the hallway to begin with, the brightness shone directly in his eyes and he squinted, shielding himself from the harsh light that made his head spin. 

“Eren, if you don’t get up you’ll be late,” a quiet but stern voice spoke. He could see the outline of Mikasa for a minute before dropping his arm over his eyes. 

“What day is it?” he asked. 

“Thursday,” she answered. It was close enough to Friday that he considered skipping both days and giving himself a long weekend. 

“I’m not going today,” he said after a pause. He waited for a reply but kept his eyes shut, trying to coax his mind back into unconsciousness. 

Mikasa let out a tired sigh. “Fine. You might as well stop going to school all together since you skip most of it anyway.” She was irritated and he didn’t blame her one bit.

He let out a muffled grumble and rolled over.

Since starting high school, the daily teasing rapidly increased and physical things started happening. It wasn’t just a nasty exchange of words anymore. 

During his sophomore year he had explored his sexuality a bit more and found that he wasn’t attracted to girls in the slightest. Of course once that news became public somehow, everything plummeted downhill. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, as they say. 

He was currently halfway through his junior year, Mikasa in her senior. The thought of another year and a half in that place made him sick. He knew that his senior year would be hell because Mikasa would be gone at that point. He’d by lying if he said that he hadn’t thought about quitting. He wouldn’t, for her sake, but the thought was still frequent.

Finally the door shut and the room resumed to being pitch black. Heavy drapes hung in front of the windows to make sure that there wouldn’t be any unwanted sunlight peeking through.

Thankful for the quiet, Eren drifted into a peaceful dreamless sleep. 

-

He woke up to total darkness, just as he’d fallen asleep in. However, this darkness felt different. It was thick and choking, twisting knots in Eren’s stomach. His eyes frantically searched around the room, unable to make out any of the shapes. Everything was covered in a fuzzy haze. He sat up quickly, his lungs constricting tightly. Even with the large amounts of air he was taking in it felt like it wasn’t enough. 

It wasn’t just that. His fingers twitched and his chest hurt. He curled his knees closer to himself and squeezed his eyes shut. What was going on? What was wrong with him? 

His heart was beating loudly and it felt like it was going to burst at any second. He wanted to yell for Mikasa but he knew that she wasn’t home. Even if she was, he didn’t think that it was possible to attempt speech. 

Deep breaths Eren. You’ll be alright. 

He sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. It helped a small bit so he continued. 

It seemed like an eternity before the pain dulled but he couldn’t stop shaking. Tears started to well up in his eyes. For a couple of seconds he actually thought that he had been done for. That could have been the end. 

It was horrifying to think about and it scared him. He tugged his pillow down and held it close to his body as if that was the only thing keeping him from fading away. It was one thing to have a panic attack in the middle of the day but it was far worse to wake up to one.

Still feeling dizzy, Eren sat up and searched around for a shirt. His room was suddenly way too small and if he didn’t get out and go somewhere it was possible that another attack was in store for him. 

Eren grabbed his phone from his bedside table, the sudden brightness from the screen once again stinging his already overworked eyes. His fingers danced quickly over the keyboard as he sent a quick message to someone he knew would help him feel better.

With his wallet in hand, he slipped on a pair of shoes and pulled on a thick sweatshirt. It was nearing winter so sweaters and coats were becoming more common. Not to mention it was still pouring out.

He stepped out of his room, drawing in a shaky breath. His body was still trembling but he could breathe a little better. The apartment was dead silent and Eren couldn’t shake the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that came over him. 

Mikasa’s bedroom door was shut tight, the TV in the living room turned off. There was a blanket draped carelessly across the back of the couch- the one that she would normally snuggle under when she wasn’t in her room. Everything was in its place save for the empty bowl and spoon in the sink. 

It was the same as it had always been, even the faint smell of cigarettes left over from last night. He couldn’t criticize her smoking habits because in all truth he was much worse than she was. 

He let out a tired sigh, walking quietly across the living room to the door. He shut and locked it and started towards the first floor. The old wooden stairs creaked under his weight and for a split second he wondered if they would break. Noise from the TV belonging to his downstairs neighbors blared loudly through the thin walls but was drown out by the sound of the rain as he opened the front door. 

From inside the rain didn’t seem to be too bad but stepping outside was the equivalent to stepping into a high powered shower. Luckily, there were spare umbrellas in the hall for such an occasion. Eren had always thought that they had taken up space but now he was thankful for them. 

They sky was almost just as dark as his room had been. Storm clouds had gathered to blanket the heavens in a dark grey. Thunder rumbled off in the distance and purple white lightening spider-webbed out like long fingers reaching towards the buildings. 

Opening up his umbrella, Eren stepped out the door into the soaking street, the sound of marbles bouncing off the materials filling his ears. There was only one car in the driveway, belonging to the residents downstairs. Mikasa had taken their shared car to school since she figured that he wouldn’t be going anywhere. This meant that he’d have to walk to his destination but he didn’t mind too much; stormy and raining was the perfect weather next to dark and snowy. 

Most of the streets in the slums were dirty and grimy, darkened by the towering patched up shabby buildings that acted similar to prison walls, closing off the people from the outside world. Splintering telephone poles were covered in rusting staples and advertisements. Dingy street lamps flickered on and off, casting and destroying shadows. The water soaked into the trash littering the alleyways and brought upon a foul aroma that could choke anyone who dared to breathe it in. 

It was never a good idea to walk around, especially with your head up, but Eren knew his way around and avoided the more dangerous streets.   
It didn’t take him too long to get to his destination. He walked into the apartment complex and made for the stairwell and made for the third floor. 

He walked down a narrow hallway, his shoes echoing with each step on the dirty concrete flooring. Piles of shredded wallpaper gathered along the sides from where they peeled off the walls, which were littered with graffiti and miscellaneous stickers and posters. 

Over about the span of a couple months, Eren had grown quite familiar with the setting. He always went for the last door, the one all the way at the end of the hallway. Without even knocking, he walked straight in. 

The thick stench of old cigarettes and stale sex wafted out of the small apartment, along with the fresh scent of pot. He slipped off his shoes before closing the door, shrugging his coat halfway off in the process. Since he had been there numerous times before, Eren felt comfortable enough to plop himself down on the beaten up couch that lay in the living room. 

Brightly colored Christmas tree lights were strung up on the walls near the ceiling, giving the apartment a weird vibe. An abundance of large 90’s band posters were strewn haphazardly across the room. There was a movie playing on the TV that Eren didn’t recognize. A Funeral Suits album played loudly from a stereo on one of the entertainment system shelves. 

After a couple of minutes ticked by, a figure emerged from one of the rooms in the back. 

“Aye, Eren, I was wondering when you’d show up. Took you long enough,” the man said smugly, falling down onto the couch next to him. He adjusted his beanie that was placed upon his mop of two-toned hair. He wore a dark purple t-shirt that was four sizes too big for his slim figure and jeans that hung a little too low to be considered publicly appropriate. 

“Ch, shut up horseface. I see you started without me,” Eren commented, gesturing to the bowl in the boy’s hand.

"I got impatient. I wasn't about to wait around for your lazy ass to get here." Jean said halfheartedly, sticking the end back into his mouth. He picked up his lighter and took another hit. Eren rolled his eyes. 

He blew out the excess smoke from his lungs before holding out the bowl to Eren. “I’ll be nice and let you have some of mine,” he said, cracking a mischievous smile. Knowing what he really meant by that, Eren moved closer, rotating his body so that he was facing him and brought his legs up to sit Indian style. 

Jean did the same, moving closer as well but he only brought one leg up, leaving the other to dangle over the edge of the couch. 

Before Eren could take the bowl from Jean, he brought it back to his mouth to take another hit. After inhaling deeply, he set both the bowl and the lighter down and shifted closer to Eren. 

He brought both his hands up, placing one on the side of Eren’s neck and the other to the side of his face. He leaned forward, angling his head slightly and started to close the space between them. Eren gripped the front of Jean's shirt and pushed himself forward, pressing his lips firmly against his friend’s. He opened his mouth slightly to allow the smoke to pass from Jean's into his own. He greedily sucked it in, enjoying the feeling of his senses starting to dull. 

After a couple of seconds, he pulled away and blew out the smoke. Despite the earlier setbacks, today was turning out to be not so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know that the scene with Jean is happening really early in the story but that's because it's an essential part and gives an insight as to what's been going on with Eren. I've been wondering if I should push it off or not but I'm just going to get it out of the way. Also I super ship them. 
> 
> Also I feel like the end of this chapter sounds really rushed and I tried to make it longer but it just wasn't working for some reason.


End file.
